soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
