I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
