Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize