My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
