mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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