My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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