Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
