WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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