so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
