he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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