Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
