New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
