I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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