Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
