I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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