I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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