when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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