Your dad touched me again.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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