soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize