I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
