Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Terrible idea I love it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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