so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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