My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
