The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize