do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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