I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
