You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
