How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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