She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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