My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
