It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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