I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize