I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
