once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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