Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
