The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
