im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
