im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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