I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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