The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Pants are for mortals
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
