yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
