The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
