I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
