I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
