i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
