my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
