It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So much rum. So many feels.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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