he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
