I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
