I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
