Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
