I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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