he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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