I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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