You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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