My hand turned me down
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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