It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
