I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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